Today was again a regular day for me to begin with but proved to be a big eye opener at the end. I could not believe what my faults were but yes I was at the receiving end since it was I who made the choice. I had not shied away from working hard and working coherently but yes I found wanting when the chosen team was needed to deliver. Off course I was to be blamed for my choices. People at helm never see intellect, commitment, limitations or resource crunch but the performance and output. For them, everything can take a back stage but the front tier should be taken only by the performers and proven performers.
I was again asked the same question as what the status of the ongoing project was on which I had the same repeated response since I could not connect the team properly. Everyone in the team has vested interest with the project but none were there with their commitment as expected of them since it was an alternate way for everyone however I have chosen it as my primary goal. It was virtually impossible for me to hide such a huge baggage, which has ultimately what it turned out to be, without any carrier. I was disparaged in the strongest words possible on my intent and if I was really capable of doing anything constructive in any way at all. I was so pegged down that I started to believe if I am really what I think of myself as. I have never felt so low and humiliated even during my worst days. Every possible gun was fired at me. Perhaps it is I who had to take a call as reputation, resources and risk of none was at stake than mine and now the person has blunted clearly of any further discussion and has already started putting aside this endeavor as a failed one although we are still on the brink of coming up with a working model.
I have always been a man of my words and commitment for which even I have to go to hell still I did not turn back from my commitment. Here I definitely feel that I have been pegged down by my limitations and my associations for whom the commitment is just another option. Today I ponder back and count none. Have I made a wrong choice? Perhaps yes by seeking soothing in the void. My greatest disappointment has been the mirage to which I have been looking at always and I have always believed on it. Ultimately, I have proved myself to be nothing as I was and am responsible for everything.